During one summer break from college, I wrote out several goals for the year on a sticky note and stuck it to my wall: travel overseas. Start a blog. Read (some books which I now forget). I may have a read a few of the books, but I didn’t travel overseas (I still haven’t) and I didn’t start the blog.
It’s been five years since.
Fear and this Blog
Fear has held me back, many times, from trying new things–fear of decision-making, fear of not knowing, fear of creating something that is not as good or as true as it could be–anything but just doing it.
Fear and Burial
In the gospel of Matthew, the author recounts a parables Jesus told about a manager and three of his servants. The manager informs his servants that he is going on a long journey. Before he leaves, he entrusts three of his servants with three different amounts of money. The first two invest their money and make the same amount back, earning the master’s praise when he returns. But the one with one talent? He buries his money. And this is how he justifies his results to his master: “‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your gold in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’” (Matt. 25:24-25).
What has always struck me about this one-talent-guy, more than anything else, is not his laziness, but his fear. He never invested his coins because he was afraid–and his fear paralyzed him.
This kind of fear is a daily companion for me (and I know for many of you, also). I distort the truth (“I knew you to be a cruel man”) in order to justify my cowardice, my unwillingness to try and so to open myself up to the possibility of failing. My pride prevents me from even considering making a mistake.
Because really, that would be the worst thing!
I know this is irrational; I know mistakes are a part of life; I have heard that mistakes and failure are often the springboard to success.
Do I believe this?
Experientially, deeply: no.
But I can guess one thing: this blog endeavor will surely allow for more opportunity for mistakes and failure, hitting closer to my heart, than many other endeavors I have undertaken. I will not post my best work. I will offend some people. I will mis-interpret Scripture. I will present something from my limited point of view, and will necessarily overlook other viewpoints.
But you know what? It will be ok. God is a big enough God to handle my blunders, however big or small. His Truth prevails, and nothing I say, or don’t say, or do, or don’t do, will make Him stop pursuing my heart, or stop pursuing yours.
Talents
I believe that God designed me and every other human on this planet, and that the uniqueness He built into each one of us is much more a part of our calling–the way He expects us to live and move and act–than we often acknowledge.
the uniqueness He built into each one of us is much more a part of our calling–the way He expects us to live and move and act–than we often acknowledge.
The thing I was made to do, the thing I want to make sure I do–or attempt to do, before I die, is this: write. I want to use words to create art–art that ministers to the souls of hurting, struggling people (all of us) and authentically communicates words of hope and Truth.
Here’s to trying, and failing. Here’s to authenticity and the beautiful and difficult discussions it may bring. Here’s to learning His grace in the midst of our imperfections. Here’s to just doing it–again, and again.